VULNERABLE MOMENTS: An acid test of a good marriage...
Every man has his vulnerable moments. Jesus had his. He told his disciples, 'Can't you watch with me for just one hour?' He, was, in effect, saying, 'My spirit wants to go through the Cross, but my flesh recoils from it, because it's going to be very painful - - beyond the physical pain of it, is the carrying of all the iniquity and diseases, insanity, demonisation, etc., of all of mankind on and in my person and psyche. Please join me in prayer, so I can have the courage and the strength to go through this. '
In a man's vulnerable moments, no matter what they are, and for whichever reason(s), he needs his wife as one on whose shoulders he can weep, cry and (possibly) whine, knowing that she will be there to 'cover' him and embrace him, and give him help, succour and comfort. A good wife would not see that as an opportunity to 'manipulate' him. A good wife would be there for him at such times, no matter when and no matter how frequent; and, as soon as the man is 'recovered,' would be the first to 'bow' down to him as her 'Lord.' That's a good wife. May we find good wives who would not as a result of such occasions/scenarios begin to 'lord' it over their husbands because 'she' now sees 'him' as 'ordinary,' 'small,' or 'low.'
Who can be a good wife to me? Can you inspire me along the lines I've been called to go? Who would be such a good wife? May my sons have good wives; and may my daughters be good wives to their husbands.
Blessed is that woman who does not see her husband's vulnerable moments as an opportunity to oppress, harass, manipulate, control, dominate or humiliate him.
When your vulnerable moment comes, you can't use anointing to circumvent it! In fact, the anointing you have at that time is the anointing to go through it (the vulnerable moment), and to be dependent on another for help, grace and mercy (the first, from another person, even a subordinate, e. g. your wife; and the latter (others) from God). It's an anointing for humility. It helps you (that is, that humility helps you) to go higher after recovering from your vulnerable moment. Because it's through humility that more of God's grace is released to you. Without our vulnerable moments, and which bring us into humility, we cannot continue to make progress. So, vulnerable moments should be expected and welcomed, but they shouldn't be faked. To fake a vulnerable moment is to be a coward. In fact, only the strong can successfully go into his own vulnerable moment and have any hope of surviving it. This is where your wife, who is your (physically) closest companion, comes in as a 'tool' (a divine tool) to help you go through your vulnerable moments, not only successfully, but, in fact, triumphantly! The women in our lives (if they are to truly play that role), become the captain of the ship during our vulnerable moments (they are designed to play that role), but they must quickly and willingly surrender that captainship once the crisis is over! To refuse to do so is to enter into witchcraft and manipulative control.
Even if your vulnerable moment were a result of your own fault, a good wife would never use it to accuse you. A good wife stands by you through thick and thin, even if much of your "ups and downs" were through your own faults! Just as a good husband would love his wife, even if she were being childish and inexperienced. Trouble only comes when a wife leaves her appointed role of the subordinate (that is, the one to submit), and, instead, becomes the "lord," the "she" that must be obeyed; and/or the husband leaves his role as the "Lover," (the one to pamper, protect and provide for his wife), but, instead, becomes the one that brutalises her.
You will never find a "perfect" husband or a "perfect" wife. To willingly, joyfully and totally SUBMIT to your "imperfect" husband; and to love and cater for your "imperfect" wife, is to neutralise all causes of disharmony. But, one comes before the other: According to the Bible, it's the wife, being the subordinate, who must SUBMIT first; before the husband, as the superior, is enjoined to LOVE - - and not the other way round. So, it's wrong for a woman to say, 'When he loves me, I will submit.' But a man can say, 'When she submits to me, I will show her all the LOVE I have.' That's where women fail: they often don't know that they are the one required to SUBMIT first. To fail in this issue of SUBMISSION, is to fail in your life test as a woman. God will judge (evaluate) you according to His Word, and not according to the "modernistic" values of a world that has gone contrary to that Word in preaching gender-equality in marriage. There is no gender-equality in marriage, as far as God is concerned. Take it or leave it.
A good wife is one before whom I'm not ashamed to cry. I am open (to her) and yet not despised (by her). She protects me even when she has seen my "nakedness" (physical and otherwise). She honours me, even when I appear to be so very ordinary! She crowns me king of her life, even when I'm just flesh and blood! She teaches my children to honour me, and submits to me in their very presence! She does not lift a finger without trying to be sure if it would please me! and yet, does not require me to have her own approval, before I can act! What a wife! What a marvelous woman! I will "die" for her, if I had to.
A good wife would "SERVE" her husband, while a good husband would "LOVE" his wife in return.
It is the joy of a good wife to give her sex to her husband, willingly, and whenever and however he requires it; and it is the duty of a good husband to "temper 'justice' with 'mercy,'" in considering her convenience and health, while executing his libido. The good wife celebrates her husband's manhood, while actively, joyfully and creatively participating in the love game; while her husband also adores, celebrates and 'worships' her womanhood, without losing his dignity and position as 'head.' A good wife never sees her husband's 'worship' of her womanhood as a reason to belittle or lord it over the man! She knows it's a priviledge to be so adored and 'worshipped'! She dresses to please the erotic taste of her husband, in and outside their home, regardless of what naysayers have to say!
A good wife will not try to control her husband, for no man will ever have a fulfilled life by pretending that his wife is the only pretty woman in the world! Pretence is no love! Neither is it an indication of being committed to your wife! True love is free! It makes the bonding between husband and wife stronger! God created us beautiful - - in different sizes, shapes, colours, textures, attitudes and auras! And the earlier we appreciate beauty in all of God's creation, the better for our own marriage! A marriage that is doomed to fail, fails by not recognising others who are equally as beautiful (or even more beautiful) than your wife; or stronger than your husband! Try to live on a marriage island and watch that marriage die quickly!
A good marriage (as partners) seeks to mingle and interact with other beautiful people and beautiful relationships, recognising them for what they are. A good wife can hug a male friend and a good husband can hug a female friend and be enriching their own own marriage! You will never find fulfilment being isolated! Interaction reinforces your own marital strength!
Children should be close to their parents. Child upbringing should basically include preparing a daughter for the role of a "wife," and preparing a son to take "the lead" in life. Any education given to a daughter without preparing her to be a "wife," a good wife, is wasted! Daughters should be taught to cook, and to cook well, no matter how many household chefs we have! They should be taught to be respectful to their own husband rather than being competitive.
To go into marriage, without your own personal faith in the Lord Jesus Christ, is to be adrift on an endless ocean!
Never use religion to control your husband. Never use your own interpretation of scripture, even if divinely adjudged to be correct, to 'correct' him; leave him to his God and his conscience. Your role is to be a good wife to him, and not to be his "pastor." Pray for him, but not manipulative prayer. Don't force your own spiritual routine on him; neither use your routine as an excuse to disobey him.
Whether you know it or not, fasting is not an excuse to deny your husband of sex if he does not agree with you about it. Honour to your husband is what will give you divine favour, and not necessarily your fasting.
Respect his parents as you would yours (if you truly respect your own parents). Don't get married to a man whose parents you are not proud to have as your own parents (in-law). Don't try to cut him off from his parents, for they are an eternal part of his life and there's nothing you can do about it. Similarly, a man should not marry a girl whose parents he won't be proud of as his own parents (in-law). You should love to be seen with your parents-in-law; if not, you have no business entering into a marriage with their son or daughter.
Train your children in the tradition of your family lineage (the husband's) if you have a truly noble family.
Never marry a woman who would reduce your status in life. Never marry a man who would bring you to a lower level than what your own parents already gave you by birth and upbringing.
Don't marry by sentiments - - marry by facts! Then enjoy the marriage sentimentally! If you marry by sentiments, the facts you had ignored, while choosing a marriage partner, will become glaring as the 'marriage' progresses and they will make your initial sentiments turn sour in your mouth!
Never marry a woman who takes the lead while you follow! It should be the other way round. Also, never marry a woman who wants you to always produce a 'superior' argument why she should go your way! If a woman cannot submit to a man, she has no business getting married to him!
The true test of a woman's commitment, is the way she manages her husband's vulnerable moments. A good wife is not known when her husband is strong, but when he's weak. For a reasonable man to trust a woman, he must be sure she will manage his vulnerable moments well. A woman who melts when you are melting, is not your wife. Your wife should rise up to the occasion, if she is indeed your wife. Her service to you should include caring, helping, mending. She should be your cook, servant, sex "slave," friend, confidante, etc., all rolled into one! She should live her life as unto you, the way any believer should live their life as unto the Lord. In fact, you are the 'lord' in her life, if she's a true and good wife. She serves the Lord by serving you.
A woman who has a life plan that cannot be accomodated within yours, is not your wife. A woman who does not believe in you and in your life plan, is not your wife. A woman who sees her family as superior to yours, and wouldn't let your children be brought up according to your own family values, but according to hers, is not your wife. A woman who wants to make you forget your family and concentrate on her alone, is not your wife. A woman who wants to choose your friends for you, is not your wife. A woman who refuses to cut off from people you want her to cut off from, is not your wife. A woman who insists on having a joint account with you, is manipulative. A woman who does not trust and have confidence in you, that you will take care of her, is not worthy of you. A woman whose health status you cannot cope with, shouldn't be your wife. A man whose health status you cannot endure, should not be your husband. Even at the point of death, you should serve and obey your husband; you should love your wife.
Loving your wife means caring for her, tending her as you tend flowers in a beautiful flower garden. That does not mean acquiescing to her every wish and whim. Don't let love be an indirect manipulation from her. Be clear in your mind as to how you want to show love to your wife, and not how she manipulates you to show love to her. Be sensitive, however, to her every genuine need. Don't allow her to become 'spoiled' beyond proportion. Discipline her, but not corporally.
Make loving her a top priority but never a distraction to your own destiny and purpose. Be innovative, be pro-active, in showing love. Let love spring from the depth of your heart, rather than a 'rehearsed' routine. Love her as your own flesh. That's the reason the Bible says you are one flesh. Plan for her future, just in case you won't be there at some point in time. Never leave her stranded. Let her be confident in your love, knowing that you are always there for her.
Don't spend all your money on her to the detriment of your own (parental) family. She has her place; your family also have their place. Your family comes first; without them, she couldn't have had you. But don't neglect her, either. She's your wife. Yes, if funds are limited, you have to take care of your immediate household first, and she's a part of that household; but never concentrate on her alone to the detriment of your parental family. We come into this world through our families; we must continually honour and provide for them, your siblings inclusive. That's why a man must work hard to provide for both his parental family as well as his own immediate household. Never allow your wife to belittle your family. Organise your house such that there will be internal peace and harmony, but not at the expense of your headship of that house. Your wife must forever be a subordinate to you.
Teach your children to take leadership, especially your first-born son, in case of your absence. Let your wife find confidence in the ability of her son (your son that has grown into maturity) to take the lead, in your absence.
Teach your children to love, honour, care for and respect one another.
Let sex education be a part of your home. Let brothers and sisters be free with one another, and know why they are different, and why they should do certain things in certain ways.
Provide music in your home. It's a bonding element. Good food too. Let clothing be adequate, classy, beautiful and functional for ever occasion, time, season, and circumstance.
Welcome friends of your children, but within stipulated boundaries of behaviour. Never tolerate unruly behaviour in the name of being nice to your visitors.
Let children understand rules of romantic relationship right from their childhood. Guide them through their relationships. Guide them as to acceptable sexual behaviour - - your way, and not necessarily the way of the society around you. Have clear beliefs and belief-systems that you would impart to your children in this area.
Take responsibility for your household - - God would ask you of it.
Love your children unto the death. Let them know you will always be there for them, no matter what. Let them have the confidence that, no matter what, they can always come back home and would have listening ears, compassionate hearts, and shoulders to lean on, from their parents - - irrespective of whatever may have happened.
Teach them to spread love and to be philanthropic. Teach them the values of life that you yourself have embraced and that you believe in. Make them to have family identity, as well as individual identities. Make them to know that there is a God up there who rules and judges in the affairs of men. Let each of them have a genuine relationship with that God - - from their very childhood. Find a good church for your children to attend, if you are not in a position to provide such leadership yourself, but never neglect the personal, fatherly 'pastoring.' This can be very tricky, because, sincerely speaking, many of today's churches cannot be trusted with the spiritual upbringing of our children. That's why, as much as possible, we must be personally there for them, to nurture them in the things we truly believe, and not just what a denomination peddles. Encourage them to serve the Lord, according to their several abilities, talents and graces.
Provide the best of secular education for your children. Bring them into contact with people that matter, by way of the kind of schools you send them to. Teach them to know what life is all about and how to mingle with the right people to get the right results.
Aristocrats, especially, should train their children in aristocratic ways: Daughters should be taught elegance, grace, poise and relevant make-up to enhance their feminine dignity. They should be taught on indices that would help them identify a good marriage or dating partner.
Sons should be taught to be strong, courageous, industrious and loving; and to know how to choose female friends and dating partners.
Etiquette is of utmost importance, to teach to your children. Table manners also, as well as good toilet habits.
Children should be taught how to properly lay a dining table; how to use cutlery, etc; as well as different behaviours necessary for different kinds of party settings. The "outside" life of your children must not be neglected. Also, teach them how to be security-conscious and how not to fall into the hands of dubious characters. Let them learn to live neat and honourable lives and not be rough.
Let them learn as many skills as possible, in addition to their main pursuits in life. Driving, typing, etc., etc. Prepare them to take hold of life and to make a success of it. Don't allow anybody, in the name of religion, to teach your children mediocrity. Let them know what true salvation is, and distinguish it from empty and false religious dogma, do's and don'ts.
Teach your children to take good care of themselves and to be beautiful.
Remember that, when choosing your wife, you are indirectly choosing your children. Don't marry a woman you wouldn't be proud of if she were your daughter - - because your daughter might just take after her in looks and behaviour! Similarly, don't marry a man who you don't feel priviledged to help to continue his lineage! In marrying a man, you are automatically helping his family to continue their lineage, for children come from the loins of their father and are only incubated in the womb of their mother! So, if you are not interested in helping him continue his lineage, don't marry him! And that's why you shouldn't dictate to him how to bring up his children. They are his - - his lineage's - - children and you are only priviledged to be chosen to 'mother' them, for anybody could have been their mother, but only their father could be their father, as they come from his loins, just as Levi (the great grandson of Abraham) was in the loins of Abraham when the latter paid tithes to Melchisedec. That's why you should be careful the kind of man you get married to, so that you don't marry a man who is not 'worthy' of you as the one to 'mother' his own children. Don't marry a man hoping that his children will not be like him! What gives you such confidence? If they turn out well, thank God, but don't bank on it! Marry a man who you will, as a mother, be proud of to have as your son if he were to be a child! That is, marry what you would like to see in your son! Marry what you would like to see in your daughter! Don't think you would marry a rogue and bear a saint! Or that you would marry Mr Ugly (by your standards) and bear Mr. Handsome! Yes, it may not always turn out in such a pattern, but don't take the risk! Marry what you can reasonably expect you will be happy with the product of!
Also, don't marry a man or woman whose personality - - physical, mental, psychological, emotional, intellectual and spiritual - - you cannot be sure you will be always, constantly happy living with! That is, choose with your eyes and hearts wide open! You should also have the God-dimension in focus! Pray for grace not to mis-marry!
Choose to love your husband and to have your fulfilment in him! Yes, he's not perfect and cannot be everything to you, but, at least, he should be your 'ideal' man even if that 'ideal' is not 100 per cent perfect. Never allow any iota of doubt or discontent as to his (or her) being the right person for you! Yes, we may not always or ever be able to be 100 per cent sure, but there's something called 'conviction,' an 'anointing' that is in you and is truth and is no lie, teaching you to "know that you know." May God help us!
Love must not be a one-way thing! Even though it's the husband that God enjoins to love, while the wife is asked to submit, it is nevertheless true that scripture says young wives should be taught to love their husbands! This is because submission is easier when you love the one to whom you are submitting! Never marry a woman who is not crazily in love with you! Never marry a woman who is only tolerating you! And, of course, never marry a woman who thinks you are not 'big' enough to lead her! Your wife must see you as a worthy leader, willingly submitting to you! And if you think she will do so in marriage, though she has not been doing it while you are dating her, you are of all men to be pitied! No woman will do for you what she's not already disposed to doing while dating! In fact, the opposite could be true! So, be careful, as she may indeed 'fake' doing it while dating, only to turn around for the worse during marriage! How much of God's grace we need to truly discern and know who we are getting married to!
Don't let lopsided (purportedly 'ideal') stories of people who have supposedly successful marriages, throw you, either. No marriage is a 'perfect' pattern for another. Many supposedly successful marriages fall short of God's real standards, but the partners have somehow been able to 'hold it up' and even believe that it is "made in heaven," when in actual fact that could be far from the truth. This is especially true of what I call "religious" marriages - - that is, marriages that have no life in them even though the partners may seemingly not even know that fact. Love is absent, fun is absent, excitement and adventure are absent - - but they still think they are doing well because, oh, they pray together morning and night, fast together, etc. You know what I mean? Those marriages that look like one eternal religious camp/seminar? May God not let you have such a marriage! Hypocrisy and a lack of telling the truth to one's self, is the bane of many so-called christian marriages. Your home should not be another monastery! Neither should your marriage be an extension of the pastor-congregant relationship in your church! Your home should simply be HOME - - fun, excitement, yes, prayer too, but not anything stoic or loveless. Your children shouldn't dread or loathe prayer time, anytime.
I am not comfortable with homes that wear an un-mistakable religious look - - you know,... almanacs, portraits of Jesus, Bible quotations everywhere on the wall! They bore me! I like to see a home full of life, friendliness, love (not the fake 'evangelical' or 'pentecostal' type of love); but real love, without all the religious paraphernalia! I love to see a home where the children, though not unruly, are full of fun, life and love, beautifully (rather than religiously) dressed; where each person is a study in elegance, beauty and intellectual reasoning (without compromising spirituality); and not a home where everybody is dull, drab, un-smiling (all in the name of spirituality). Such homes are 'dead' while they think they are alive. You can know the type of home there is by watching the type of children they have. Children that are timid, un-elegantly (i. e. drably) dressed, and who are unsure of themselves even before their own parents, who answer simple questions with seeming trepidation; even if they pray three times a day and can recite the Bible from cover to cover, are indicative of a bad, though religious, home. On the contrary, children who have a shine on their faces, intellectual depth in their eyes, and a romantic swag to their walk, are more indicative of a home and family where love and life reign supreme.
The happiness of our children must be our utmost pursuit. Your children must not look like peasant servants in your own home! Nurture their body as well as their mind and their spirit. Let them be free with you as their parents. Buy them clothes that will enhance their confidence and not dampen it. Make them, as it were, the cynosure of all eyes by giving them the best life that you can. Let them also have a say in what they want as long as it's not harmful.
They will live the same life that you live - - so live the best life possible. Don't allow children to grow up unruly, rude, noisy and generally indisciplined. Have structure to their lives, but let it be structures of love, life and discipline. From their childhood, they should learn to keep the home and environment clean. Teach them to wash their own clothes, even if you have a household laundryman who does the bulk of the laundry. Let them know little things like how to knot their ties, care for their socks, and so on. They should be polite and courteous to visitors, as well as know how to excuse themselves when the visitors need privacy with you their parents. There must be a clear line of authority, under you as their parents - - from the firstborn and down the line. Don't allow anybody to disrespect his/her senior. They must learn to do things in an orderly manner without scrambling, fussing or fighting over anything. It's a full-time job to be a parent. So be up and doing. Know their friends; be friends with their friends, but not in a 'witchhunting' manner. Don't scare your children into doing whatever you want; love them into it, while disciplining them where necessary. A good word, a kind word; a severe word, where necessary, are ingredients of good child upbringing. Don't let your children despise you; let them love, obey and respect you. Be a disciplined person yourself. Being disciplined is not the same as being colourless or humorless. Neither does it mean holding the stick at all times. It simply means being purposeful in doing the right things at the right time. Regular times of waking up, and of going to bed, are good for the discipline of children while they are still growing up. Know when to relax the rules as they gradually come of age. It's stupid to be inspecting the bag of your twenty-year-old daughter, or superintending over her phone calls!
Don't shout on your children unnecessarily. Treat them as human beings. Never be too familiar with them, as in not honouring them. They must never become like another familiar object in the home. They are special - - each of them; and every day is yet another special day of interaction, training, discipline, love, admiration and affection, between you as a parent and that son or daughter.
Their health must never be treated lightly. Learn to notice the symptoms of any ill-health even before the child is possibly aware.
Don't insult or embarass your children, and definitely not in the presence of others, particularly their friends. Celebrate each of your children as an angel, and respect their friends too. Teach them to be friendly so that they'll know how to entertain and relate with their own friends.
Don't have more children than you can cater for - - that should be obvious.
Train your children to take up leadership roles. Don't leave their training to their teachers alone. Buy books for them - - not just the ones recommended in school, but others that are helpful to their upbringing - - socially and otherwise. Teach them how to identify good friends.
Broaden their world view. Make them not to feel inferior before anybody.
Teach them to smile and be friendly. Teach them to use language properly and to write well.
Let them understand the traditions of their people - - their own ethnic group, and not despise them. Introduce them, as and when necessary, to your own friends who have nice homes and nice children that they can relate with.
Not only must your wife be there for you in your vulnerable moments, she must, indeed, be competent to be there and for being there! That is, it's not just enough for her to be physically there; neither is it just enough for her to be truly concerned and compassionate; but, also essentially, she must be competent and intellectually, psychologically, emotionally and spiritually competent and thus up to the task of being there for you! In other words, intentions on her part are not enough; there must be ability and capability too, to be there for you and to 'stand in the gap.' Does she have the intellectual capacity to adequately minister to you and to stand up to the opposition (physical, psychological, spiritual or emotional) in those vulnerable moments of yours? Does she also have the mental capacity? What does a loving woman but who cannot solve a simple arithmetic problem, have to offer you when you are going through the torture of a gargantuan accusation of financial indiscretion in your position as Director General of a United Nations subsidiary, regardless of whether the accusation is true or not? What does someone who cannot piece together a simple correct sentence in English language have to offer you, when you are charged with libel over an article of yours published in a high-profile scientific journal? What does a woman who knows nothing beyond approaching pastors and prophets for prayers to be able to have a sound sleep, what does she have to offer you when territorial principalities and powers, even Lucifer himself, begin to attack your missionary work in Trinidad and Tobago? You get my point. There must be competence in handling you at your vulnerable moments. No, she doesn't have to be an expert or even a graduate in any or all of those fields. Afterall, she's only one woman; so in how many areas of human endeavour would she have to be an 'expert' in order to be able to handle your vulnerable moments? But, you see, there's something called 'aptitude.' She must, generally speaking, be a person of such intellectual, emotional, mental and spiritual 'aptitude,' even when she's not an expert or scholar in any particular area, to handle your psyche, your personality, your self-image, and so on, with significant positive effect, in those vulnerable moments of yours. She must be made for you! your partner, your co-pilot, your fellow-sojourner, in handling life and whatever it brings your way, as you go through the intricacies of terrestrial existence! So, it's a full-time job, as it were, and also a 'specialised' job (without necessarily being a 'specialist') for her to be just the right type of partner for you, and, indeed, one that is lovingly and passionately devoted to her 'job' as your partner. She's the one that smoothens the contours of life's existence for you, and even sees it as a priviledge to so perform such a duty in your life, and not seeking for any 'payment' in cash or in kind! You say such a woman is impossible to find? Then you don't believe in miracles! She's the type God is talking about when the Good Book says, 'He that finds a wife finds a good thing and (has) obtained favour of the Lord.' So I know that such a person exists for you. But you have to 'find' her, as that scripture says. And, in order to 'find,' the Master says, you must first 'seek'! He that seeks, finds, isn't it? May we have the strength, courage, patience, skill and grace to seek and to seek well, so that we can find our proper marriage partners. It's not by might nor by power, but by my Spirit, says the Lord. So we must have the grace and Spirit to seek and find; and, more essentially, co-operate with that grace and Spirit to be able to truly seek and find. Don't neglect the most gentle nudgings of the Spirit. That little effort in co-operating with the nudgings of the Spirit, might just lead you into a situation where you will meet, find, 'toast' and 'land' that jewel of inestimable price - - your own virtuous woman for your own kind of person. A woman that would be a virtuous woman to a particular man, may not necessarily turn out to be a virtuous woman if she were to be married to another man. That's why you would find, sometimes, a certain woman being such a 'bad' wife to her husband, only for the marriage to hit the rocks and she later gets married to another man who would consider her as a jewel! It happens the other way round too.
My wife doesn't have to be willing to donate her kidney to me if I were to be in need of such; but she must be there for me, and with me, as I struggle through my 'final days' of a terminal disease - - if it had to be that way! I don't ask for your life, I only ask for your love, compassion and commitment, with attendant submission to my leadership and respect for my person.
I don't need you to be a specialist chef, I only need you, even if it is in giving me a 'burnt' offering three times a day, to do it with a loving compassion and commitment shining through your eyes as well as through every pore of your being, as you labour in the kitchen to serve me.
I don't need you to be an undisputable Miss World, were you to contest in that pageant; rather, I only need you to treat me in such a way that I actually believe you are Miss World. I don't need you to have a degree in sexology; or to be a high-profile porn star; I only need you to willingly, lovingly and totally give me that body of yours whenever, wherever and however I want it, responding positively to my instructions as I 'screw' the brains out of you, and, at the end of it all, and even while going through it, I want to see that look in your eyes that says, 'When again are we going to have it like this?' I want you to practically adore me and I will love you crazy!
A man has only one life to live; a good wife is probably the greatest thing that will ever happen to him.
Be my 'sexy Mama,' and I will be to you your Knight in Shining Armour! I may not be perfect, but I'll do my best. I don't require you to be perfect, either. I only require you to be submissive, loving, caring, committed and adoring. Adore me and I'll adore you; don't expect it the other way round. That other way is unBiblical.
Dress to 'kill' - - for me. Make me feel young, healthy and virile.
Don't freak yourself over my female friends; they will never take your place if you do what I expect and demand of you. I am a ladies man; they will always be there. I am even called to serve them in one way or another. But my wife? Nobody compares with her. I don't expect you to be without male friends, either; but under my supervision. That's why I'm the head. I don't believe in gender-equality when it comes to marriage. Somebody must be the head and call the shots! God says it's me. What if I go wrong? Leave me to my God. If you cannot trust me with my God, find someone else to be your husband.
In my vulnerable moments I need you to be there - - to love me, care for me, pamper me. Not to judge me. Not to castigate me. Not to make me feel rejected 'at home and abroad.' Not to throw me open to further attacks by the wild beasts. But to nurse my wounds and nurture me back to good health - - physical, psychological, emotional, spiritual; and thereafter urge me to go out there and fight again for what is mine. Not to mitigate me. Not to curtail me. Not to foist your own insecurities on me. But to remind me that I'm the 'striker' who must keep going forward to score goals, while you are the 'defender' who will back me up in case I'm beaten to it! That's marriage, my brother!
Who can be such a wife? What a question.
And, remember, every man is unique. So, the unique peculiarities of the man would (should) determine the kind of person he chooses as wife.
For me, for instance, my unique peculiarities are such that I don't want my wife to be proud towards my friends - - male or female. Be open to them; be accomodative; be friendly - - genuinely and not just 'formally.' Let them know they have access to me as my friends; and I will adore you the more for it.
Don't relate with me by Law. Relate with me by Love. Love speaks; Love breathes; Love embraces; Love accomodates; Love reproduces.
Be sensitive to my needs. Know when I need to be left alone. I am a writer. Let me have privacy for my writing. I am a preacher. Let me have privacy for my meditations. I am a thinker. Let me have privacy for my intellectual pursuits. I am a Lover. Let me have privacy for my friends. Let me have privacy with them also. I don't need or want a Local Government Supervisory Councillor over my life; I only need a loving wife who dots over me for my welfare and not for her insecurities. I don't need a Headmistress either; I only need a Woman in the Home - - one who makes everything and everyone bright and beautiful, and who brings her sunshine into the Home, and not gloom. I don't need a Fault-Finder. I only need a Lover.
I am a father. Let me have privacy with my children. I don't and wouldn't always need you around when I'm with them. Learn to know when it's just 'Daddy' and his children; as distinct from when it's "Daddy and Mummy" and the children. I will also respect your times of "Mummy" and the children, but not at my detriment. I remain the Head of not only the Home, but also of the House; every authority that you have is delegated authority and must not be abused. Manage my kitchen for me, but don't turn me into an outsider there. Be fun to be with, and not a drag, neither a drab person.
Respect my siblings; they have the right to come into my Home anytime; it's, in a way, their Home.
Know that my children are my heirs; being their mother does not transfer that right to you! (This is me, please, and not necessarily English Law!) Be secure in the Love that I have for you, that you will be well taken care of. You have to believe.
My parents are dead. But their memory you must always honour. My heritage you must always respect. My upbringing you must always defer to. My antecedents and pedigree you must love.
I will care for you as for an egg that must not be broken. Don't let it get into your head; let it humble you.
Handle my children with dignity, and be a mother of nations.
I dance. Try and enjoy my dancing with me.
Love to entertain guests, informally, impromptu, as well as in big and small parties.
I am romantic. Respond to me.
Place value on spirituality. I don't mean dogmatic religion. I don't mean man-made taboos, do's and don'ts that have no life in them. In knowing God, you don't have to be a Mother Theresa. I only need your simple, sincere and genuine love for God and for the things of God - - the God that I serve. If you would let my God be your God too, I will love you forever. If you would respect my God and respect my dealings with Him and his with me, then I am happy with you.
Be always ready for change. I change from time to time, because I believe revelation is progressive. As you accomodate my changes and 'changings,' I'm glad.
I am an aristocrat. That's who I am and who I will forever be. Don't bring me down to the low level. I love peasants, but I am not a peasant; I love the middle-class but I don't belong there. I was born noble; nobility is in my blood, carriage, mien and personality. I was trained to love all but never to abandon my position. You have to allign with that.
I am an apostle, by the grace of God. I blaze new trails. I tread where angels fear to tread. I walk in the midst of the valley of the shadow of death. I mingle with the supposedly unholy and unclean, the very 'dreg' of the society; it's my calling, just as much as I also walk among the nobility - - my people and my natural constituency. But my calling in God entails doing things that are un-common, un-religious (in fact, may be considered 'irreligious'); I am called to minister redemption not only to my class but also to the "Gentiles of the Gentiles" (those whom the 'Gentiles' consider as 'gentiles;' those whom the 'sinner' consider as 'sinner') and without necessarily changing them in their outward 'appearance' to become a Kumuyi or an Adeboye. You have to flow with that kind of calling. You have to be a wife to a man who is a 'lone voice in the wilderness,' seemingly teaching things that are 'contrary' to what mainstream christianity believes in several areas. You have to have what it takes to stand against the whole world, as it were, standing by your husband, regardless of whether you really understand him or not. You have to be wife to a man who obeys God implicitly, not minding what his wife's opinion might be. You have to come on with me.
You have to stand by me in my vulnerable moments without despising me. Come on!
You have to love me, cherish me, give me your sex, anytime and wherever and however I want it, just to please me and make me happy. Above all, I would adore, love and care for you beyond human imagination, as you submit to me. Come on!
Adore me, and I will love you crazy.
Every man has his vulnerable moments. Jesus had his. He told his disciples, 'Can't you watch with me for just one hour?' He, was, in effect, saying, 'My spirit wants to go through the Cross, but my flesh recoils from it, because it's going to be very painful - - beyond the physical pain of it, is the carrying of all the iniquity and diseases, insanity, demonisation, etc., of all of mankind on and in my person and psyche. Please join me in prayer, so I can have the courage and the strength to go through this. '
In a man's vulnerable moments, no matter what they are, and for whichever reason(s), he needs his wife as one on whose shoulders he can weep, cry and (possibly) whine, knowing that she will be there to 'cover' him and embrace him, and give him help, succour and comfort. A good wife would not see that as an opportunity to 'manipulate' him. A good wife would be there for him at such times, no matter when and no matter how frequent; and, as soon as the man is 'recovered,' would be the first to 'bow' down to him as her 'Lord.' That's a good wife. May we find good wives who would not as a result of such occasions/scenarios begin to 'lord' it over their husbands because 'she' now sees 'him' as 'ordinary,' 'small,' or 'low.'
Who can be a good wife to me? Can you inspire me along the lines I've been called to go? Who would be such a good wife? May my sons have good wives; and may my daughters be good wives to their husbands.
Blessed is that woman who does not see her husband's vulnerable moments as an opportunity to oppress, harass, manipulate, control, dominate or humiliate him.
When your vulnerable moment comes, you can't use anointing to circumvent it! In fact, the anointing you have at that time is the anointing to go through it (the vulnerable moment), and to be dependent on another for help, grace and mercy (the first, from another person, even a subordinate, e. g. your wife; and the latter (others) from God). It's an anointing for humility. It helps you (that is, that humility helps you) to go higher after recovering from your vulnerable moment. Because it's through humility that more of God's grace is released to you. Without our vulnerable moments, and which bring us into humility, we cannot continue to make progress. So, vulnerable moments should be expected and welcomed, but they shouldn't be faked. To fake a vulnerable moment is to be a coward. In fact, only the strong can successfully go into his own vulnerable moment and have any hope of surviving it. This is where your wife, who is your (physically) closest companion, comes in as a 'tool' (a divine tool) to help you go through your vulnerable moments, not only successfully, but, in fact, triumphantly! The women in our lives (if they are to truly play that role), become the captain of the ship during our vulnerable moments (they are designed to play that role), but they must quickly and willingly surrender that captainship once the crisis is over! To refuse to do so is to enter into witchcraft and manipulative control.
Even if your vulnerable moment were a result of your own fault, a good wife would never use it to accuse you. A good wife stands by you through thick and thin, even if much of your "ups and downs" were through your own faults! Just as a good husband would love his wife, even if she were being childish and inexperienced. Trouble only comes when a wife leaves her appointed role of the subordinate (that is, the one to submit), and, instead, becomes the "lord," the "she" that must be obeyed; and/or the husband leaves his role as the "Lover," (the one to pamper, protect and provide for his wife), but, instead, becomes the one that brutalises her.
You will never find a "perfect" husband or a "perfect" wife. To willingly, joyfully and totally SUBMIT to your "imperfect" husband; and to love and cater for your "imperfect" wife, is to neutralise all causes of disharmony. But, one comes before the other: According to the Bible, it's the wife, being the subordinate, who must SUBMIT first; before the husband, as the superior, is enjoined to LOVE - - and not the other way round. So, it's wrong for a woman to say, 'When he loves me, I will submit.' But a man can say, 'When she submits to me, I will show her all the LOVE I have.' That's where women fail: they often don't know that they are the one required to SUBMIT first. To fail in this issue of SUBMISSION, is to fail in your life test as a woman. God will judge (evaluate) you according to His Word, and not according to the "modernistic" values of a world that has gone contrary to that Word in preaching gender-equality in marriage. There is no gender-equality in marriage, as far as God is concerned. Take it or leave it.
A good wife is one before whom I'm not ashamed to cry. I am open (to her) and yet not despised (by her). She protects me even when she has seen my "nakedness" (physical and otherwise). She honours me, even when I appear to be so very ordinary! She crowns me king of her life, even when I'm just flesh and blood! She teaches my children to honour me, and submits to me in their very presence! She does not lift a finger without trying to be sure if it would please me! and yet, does not require me to have her own approval, before I can act! What a wife! What a marvelous woman! I will "die" for her, if I had to.
A good wife would "SERVE" her husband, while a good husband would "LOVE" his wife in return.
It is the joy of a good wife to give her sex to her husband, willingly, and whenever and however he requires it; and it is the duty of a good husband to "temper 'justice' with 'mercy,'" in considering her convenience and health, while executing his libido. The good wife celebrates her husband's manhood, while actively, joyfully and creatively participating in the love game; while her husband also adores, celebrates and 'worships' her womanhood, without losing his dignity and position as 'head.' A good wife never sees her husband's 'worship' of her womanhood as a reason to belittle or lord it over the man! She knows it's a priviledge to be so adored and 'worshipped'! She dresses to please the erotic taste of her husband, in and outside their home, regardless of what naysayers have to say!
A good wife will not try to control her husband, for no man will ever have a fulfilled life by pretending that his wife is the only pretty woman in the world! Pretence is no love! Neither is it an indication of being committed to your wife! True love is free! It makes the bonding between husband and wife stronger! God created us beautiful - - in different sizes, shapes, colours, textures, attitudes and auras! And the earlier we appreciate beauty in all of God's creation, the better for our own marriage! A marriage that is doomed to fail, fails by not recognising others who are equally as beautiful (or even more beautiful) than your wife; or stronger than your husband! Try to live on a marriage island and watch that marriage die quickly!
A good marriage (as partners) seeks to mingle and interact with other beautiful people and beautiful relationships, recognising them for what they are. A good wife can hug a male friend and a good husband can hug a female friend and be enriching their own own marriage! You will never find fulfilment being isolated! Interaction reinforces your own marital strength!
Children should be close to their parents. Child upbringing should basically include preparing a daughter for the role of a "wife," and preparing a son to take "the lead" in life. Any education given to a daughter without preparing her to be a "wife," a good wife, is wasted! Daughters should be taught to cook, and to cook well, no matter how many household chefs we have! They should be taught to be respectful to their own husband rather than being competitive.
To go into marriage, without your own personal faith in the Lord Jesus Christ, is to be adrift on an endless ocean!
Never use religion to control your husband. Never use your own interpretation of scripture, even if divinely adjudged to be correct, to 'correct' him; leave him to his God and his conscience. Your role is to be a good wife to him, and not to be his "pastor." Pray for him, but not manipulative prayer. Don't force your own spiritual routine on him; neither use your routine as an excuse to disobey him.
Whether you know it or not, fasting is not an excuse to deny your husband of sex if he does not agree with you about it. Honour to your husband is what will give you divine favour, and not necessarily your fasting.
Respect his parents as you would yours (if you truly respect your own parents). Don't get married to a man whose parents you are not proud to have as your own parents (in-law). Don't try to cut him off from his parents, for they are an eternal part of his life and there's nothing you can do about it. Similarly, a man should not marry a girl whose parents he won't be proud of as his own parents (in-law). You should love to be seen with your parents-in-law; if not, you have no business entering into a marriage with their son or daughter.
Train your children in the tradition of your family lineage (the husband's) if you have a truly noble family.
Never marry a woman who would reduce your status in life. Never marry a man who would bring you to a lower level than what your own parents already gave you by birth and upbringing.
Don't marry by sentiments - - marry by facts! Then enjoy the marriage sentimentally! If you marry by sentiments, the facts you had ignored, while choosing a marriage partner, will become glaring as the 'marriage' progresses and they will make your initial sentiments turn sour in your mouth!
Never marry a woman who takes the lead while you follow! It should be the other way round. Also, never marry a woman who wants you to always produce a 'superior' argument why she should go your way! If a woman cannot submit to a man, she has no business getting married to him!
The true test of a woman's commitment, is the way she manages her husband's vulnerable moments. A good wife is not known when her husband is strong, but when he's weak. For a reasonable man to trust a woman, he must be sure she will manage his vulnerable moments well. A woman who melts when you are melting, is not your wife. Your wife should rise up to the occasion, if she is indeed your wife. Her service to you should include caring, helping, mending. She should be your cook, servant, sex "slave," friend, confidante, etc., all rolled into one! She should live her life as unto you, the way any believer should live their life as unto the Lord. In fact, you are the 'lord' in her life, if she's a true and good wife. She serves the Lord by serving you.
A woman who has a life plan that cannot be accomodated within yours, is not your wife. A woman who does not believe in you and in your life plan, is not your wife. A woman who sees her family as superior to yours, and wouldn't let your children be brought up according to your own family values, but according to hers, is not your wife. A woman who wants to make you forget your family and concentrate on her alone, is not your wife. A woman who wants to choose your friends for you, is not your wife. A woman who refuses to cut off from people you want her to cut off from, is not your wife. A woman who insists on having a joint account with you, is manipulative. A woman who does not trust and have confidence in you, that you will take care of her, is not worthy of you. A woman whose health status you cannot cope with, shouldn't be your wife. A man whose health status you cannot endure, should not be your husband. Even at the point of death, you should serve and obey your husband; you should love your wife.
Loving your wife means caring for her, tending her as you tend flowers in a beautiful flower garden. That does not mean acquiescing to her every wish and whim. Don't let love be an indirect manipulation from her. Be clear in your mind as to how you want to show love to your wife, and not how she manipulates you to show love to her. Be sensitive, however, to her every genuine need. Don't allow her to become 'spoiled' beyond proportion. Discipline her, but not corporally.
Make loving her a top priority but never a distraction to your own destiny and purpose. Be innovative, be pro-active, in showing love. Let love spring from the depth of your heart, rather than a 'rehearsed' routine. Love her as your own flesh. That's the reason the Bible says you are one flesh. Plan for her future, just in case you won't be there at some point in time. Never leave her stranded. Let her be confident in your love, knowing that you are always there for her.
Don't spend all your money on her to the detriment of your own (parental) family. She has her place; your family also have their place. Your family comes first; without them, she couldn't have had you. But don't neglect her, either. She's your wife. Yes, if funds are limited, you have to take care of your immediate household first, and she's a part of that household; but never concentrate on her alone to the detriment of your parental family. We come into this world through our families; we must continually honour and provide for them, your siblings inclusive. That's why a man must work hard to provide for both his parental family as well as his own immediate household. Never allow your wife to belittle your family. Organise your house such that there will be internal peace and harmony, but not at the expense of your headship of that house. Your wife must forever be a subordinate to you.
Teach your children to take leadership, especially your first-born son, in case of your absence. Let your wife find confidence in the ability of her son (your son that has grown into maturity) to take the lead, in your absence.
Teach your children to love, honour, care for and respect one another.
Let sex education be a part of your home. Let brothers and sisters be free with one another, and know why they are different, and why they should do certain things in certain ways.
Provide music in your home. It's a bonding element. Good food too. Let clothing be adequate, classy, beautiful and functional for ever occasion, time, season, and circumstance.
Welcome friends of your children, but within stipulated boundaries of behaviour. Never tolerate unruly behaviour in the name of being nice to your visitors.
Let children understand rules of romantic relationship right from their childhood. Guide them through their relationships. Guide them as to acceptable sexual behaviour - - your way, and not necessarily the way of the society around you. Have clear beliefs and belief-systems that you would impart to your children in this area.
Take responsibility for your household - - God would ask you of it.
Love your children unto the death. Let them know you will always be there for them, no matter what. Let them have the confidence that, no matter what, they can always come back home and would have listening ears, compassionate hearts, and shoulders to lean on, from their parents - - irrespective of whatever may have happened.
Teach them to spread love and to be philanthropic. Teach them the values of life that you yourself have embraced and that you believe in. Make them to have family identity, as well as individual identities. Make them to know that there is a God up there who rules and judges in the affairs of men. Let each of them have a genuine relationship with that God - - from their very childhood. Find a good church for your children to attend, if you are not in a position to provide such leadership yourself, but never neglect the personal, fatherly 'pastoring.' This can be very tricky, because, sincerely speaking, many of today's churches cannot be trusted with the spiritual upbringing of our children. That's why, as much as possible, we must be personally there for them, to nurture them in the things we truly believe, and not just what a denomination peddles. Encourage them to serve the Lord, according to their several abilities, talents and graces.
Provide the best of secular education for your children. Bring them into contact with people that matter, by way of the kind of schools you send them to. Teach them to know what life is all about and how to mingle with the right people to get the right results.
Aristocrats, especially, should train their children in aristocratic ways: Daughters should be taught elegance, grace, poise and relevant make-up to enhance their feminine dignity. They should be taught on indices that would help them identify a good marriage or dating partner.
Sons should be taught to be strong, courageous, industrious and loving; and to know how to choose female friends and dating partners.
Etiquette is of utmost importance, to teach to your children. Table manners also, as well as good toilet habits.
Children should be taught how to properly lay a dining table; how to use cutlery, etc; as well as different behaviours necessary for different kinds of party settings. The "outside" life of your children must not be neglected. Also, teach them how to be security-conscious and how not to fall into the hands of dubious characters. Let them learn to live neat and honourable lives and not be rough.
Let them learn as many skills as possible, in addition to their main pursuits in life. Driving, typing, etc., etc. Prepare them to take hold of life and to make a success of it. Don't allow anybody, in the name of religion, to teach your children mediocrity. Let them know what true salvation is, and distinguish it from empty and false religious dogma, do's and don'ts.
Teach your children to take good care of themselves and to be beautiful.
Remember that, when choosing your wife, you are indirectly choosing your children. Don't marry a woman you wouldn't be proud of if she were your daughter - - because your daughter might just take after her in looks and behaviour! Similarly, don't marry a man who you don't feel priviledged to help to continue his lineage! In marrying a man, you are automatically helping his family to continue their lineage, for children come from the loins of their father and are only incubated in the womb of their mother! So, if you are not interested in helping him continue his lineage, don't marry him! And that's why you shouldn't dictate to him how to bring up his children. They are his - - his lineage's - - children and you are only priviledged to be chosen to 'mother' them, for anybody could have been their mother, but only their father could be their father, as they come from his loins, just as Levi (the great grandson of Abraham) was in the loins of Abraham when the latter paid tithes to Melchisedec. That's why you should be careful the kind of man you get married to, so that you don't marry a man who is not 'worthy' of you as the one to 'mother' his own children. Don't marry a man hoping that his children will not be like him! What gives you such confidence? If they turn out well, thank God, but don't bank on it! Marry a man who you will, as a mother, be proud of to have as your son if he were to be a child! That is, marry what you would like to see in your son! Marry what you would like to see in your daughter! Don't think you would marry a rogue and bear a saint! Or that you would marry Mr Ugly (by your standards) and bear Mr. Handsome! Yes, it may not always turn out in such a pattern, but don't take the risk! Marry what you can reasonably expect you will be happy with the product of!
Also, don't marry a man or woman whose personality - - physical, mental, psychological, emotional, intellectual and spiritual - - you cannot be sure you will be always, constantly happy living with! That is, choose with your eyes and hearts wide open! You should also have the God-dimension in focus! Pray for grace not to mis-marry!
Choose to love your husband and to have your fulfilment in him! Yes, he's not perfect and cannot be everything to you, but, at least, he should be your 'ideal' man even if that 'ideal' is not 100 per cent perfect. Never allow any iota of doubt or discontent as to his (or her) being the right person for you! Yes, we may not always or ever be able to be 100 per cent sure, but there's something called 'conviction,' an 'anointing' that is in you and is truth and is no lie, teaching you to "know that you know." May God help us!
Love must not be a one-way thing! Even though it's the husband that God enjoins to love, while the wife is asked to submit, it is nevertheless true that scripture says young wives should be taught to love their husbands! This is because submission is easier when you love the one to whom you are submitting! Never marry a woman who is not crazily in love with you! Never marry a woman who is only tolerating you! And, of course, never marry a woman who thinks you are not 'big' enough to lead her! Your wife must see you as a worthy leader, willingly submitting to you! And if you think she will do so in marriage, though she has not been doing it while you are dating her, you are of all men to be pitied! No woman will do for you what she's not already disposed to doing while dating! In fact, the opposite could be true! So, be careful, as she may indeed 'fake' doing it while dating, only to turn around for the worse during marriage! How much of God's grace we need to truly discern and know who we are getting married to!
Don't let lopsided (purportedly 'ideal') stories of people who have supposedly successful marriages, throw you, either. No marriage is a 'perfect' pattern for another. Many supposedly successful marriages fall short of God's real standards, but the partners have somehow been able to 'hold it up' and even believe that it is "made in heaven," when in actual fact that could be far from the truth. This is especially true of what I call "religious" marriages - - that is, marriages that have no life in them even though the partners may seemingly not even know that fact. Love is absent, fun is absent, excitement and adventure are absent - - but they still think they are doing well because, oh, they pray together morning and night, fast together, etc. You know what I mean? Those marriages that look like one eternal religious camp/seminar? May God not let you have such a marriage! Hypocrisy and a lack of telling the truth to one's self, is the bane of many so-called christian marriages. Your home should not be another monastery! Neither should your marriage be an extension of the pastor-congregant relationship in your church! Your home should simply be HOME - - fun, excitement, yes, prayer too, but not anything stoic or loveless. Your children shouldn't dread or loathe prayer time, anytime.
I am not comfortable with homes that wear an un-mistakable religious look - - you know,... almanacs, portraits of Jesus, Bible quotations everywhere on the wall! They bore me! I like to see a home full of life, friendliness, love (not the fake 'evangelical' or 'pentecostal' type of love); but real love, without all the religious paraphernalia! I love to see a home where the children, though not unruly, are full of fun, life and love, beautifully (rather than religiously) dressed; where each person is a study in elegance, beauty and intellectual reasoning (without compromising spirituality); and not a home where everybody is dull, drab, un-smiling (all in the name of spirituality). Such homes are 'dead' while they think they are alive. You can know the type of home there is by watching the type of children they have. Children that are timid, un-elegantly (i. e. drably) dressed, and who are unsure of themselves even before their own parents, who answer simple questions with seeming trepidation; even if they pray three times a day and can recite the Bible from cover to cover, are indicative of a bad, though religious, home. On the contrary, children who have a shine on their faces, intellectual depth in their eyes, and a romantic swag to their walk, are more indicative of a home and family where love and life reign supreme.
The happiness of our children must be our utmost pursuit. Your children must not look like peasant servants in your own home! Nurture their body as well as their mind and their spirit. Let them be free with you as their parents. Buy them clothes that will enhance their confidence and not dampen it. Make them, as it were, the cynosure of all eyes by giving them the best life that you can. Let them also have a say in what they want as long as it's not harmful.
They will live the same life that you live - - so live the best life possible. Don't allow children to grow up unruly, rude, noisy and generally indisciplined. Have structure to their lives, but let it be structures of love, life and discipline. From their childhood, they should learn to keep the home and environment clean. Teach them to wash their own clothes, even if you have a household laundryman who does the bulk of the laundry. Let them know little things like how to knot their ties, care for their socks, and so on. They should be polite and courteous to visitors, as well as know how to excuse themselves when the visitors need privacy with you their parents. There must be a clear line of authority, under you as their parents - - from the firstborn and down the line. Don't allow anybody to disrespect his/her senior. They must learn to do things in an orderly manner without scrambling, fussing or fighting over anything. It's a full-time job to be a parent. So be up and doing. Know their friends; be friends with their friends, but not in a 'witchhunting' manner. Don't scare your children into doing whatever you want; love them into it, while disciplining them where necessary. A good word, a kind word; a severe word, where necessary, are ingredients of good child upbringing. Don't let your children despise you; let them love, obey and respect you. Be a disciplined person yourself. Being disciplined is not the same as being colourless or humorless. Neither does it mean holding the stick at all times. It simply means being purposeful in doing the right things at the right time. Regular times of waking up, and of going to bed, are good for the discipline of children while they are still growing up. Know when to relax the rules as they gradually come of age. It's stupid to be inspecting the bag of your twenty-year-old daughter, or superintending over her phone calls!
Don't shout on your children unnecessarily. Treat them as human beings. Never be too familiar with them, as in not honouring them. They must never become like another familiar object in the home. They are special - - each of them; and every day is yet another special day of interaction, training, discipline, love, admiration and affection, between you as a parent and that son or daughter.
Their health must never be treated lightly. Learn to notice the symptoms of any ill-health even before the child is possibly aware.
Don't insult or embarass your children, and definitely not in the presence of others, particularly their friends. Celebrate each of your children as an angel, and respect their friends too. Teach them to be friendly so that they'll know how to entertain and relate with their own friends.
Don't have more children than you can cater for - - that should be obvious.
Train your children to take up leadership roles. Don't leave their training to their teachers alone. Buy books for them - - not just the ones recommended in school, but others that are helpful to their upbringing - - socially and otherwise. Teach them how to identify good friends.
Broaden their world view. Make them not to feel inferior before anybody.
Teach them to smile and be friendly. Teach them to use language properly and to write well.
Let them understand the traditions of their people - - their own ethnic group, and not despise them. Introduce them, as and when necessary, to your own friends who have nice homes and nice children that they can relate with.
Not only must your wife be there for you in your vulnerable moments, she must, indeed, be competent to be there and for being there! That is, it's not just enough for her to be physically there; neither is it just enough for her to be truly concerned and compassionate; but, also essentially, she must be competent and intellectually, psychologically, emotionally and spiritually competent and thus up to the task of being there for you! In other words, intentions on her part are not enough; there must be ability and capability too, to be there for you and to 'stand in the gap.' Does she have the intellectual capacity to adequately minister to you and to stand up to the opposition (physical, psychological, spiritual or emotional) in those vulnerable moments of yours? Does she also have the mental capacity? What does a loving woman but who cannot solve a simple arithmetic problem, have to offer you when you are going through the torture of a gargantuan accusation of financial indiscretion in your position as Director General of a United Nations subsidiary, regardless of whether the accusation is true or not? What does someone who cannot piece together a simple correct sentence in English language have to offer you, when you are charged with libel over an article of yours published in a high-profile scientific journal? What does a woman who knows nothing beyond approaching pastors and prophets for prayers to be able to have a sound sleep, what does she have to offer you when territorial principalities and powers, even Lucifer himself, begin to attack your missionary work in Trinidad and Tobago? You get my point. There must be competence in handling you at your vulnerable moments. No, she doesn't have to be an expert or even a graduate in any or all of those fields. Afterall, she's only one woman; so in how many areas of human endeavour would she have to be an 'expert' in order to be able to handle your vulnerable moments? But, you see, there's something called 'aptitude.' She must, generally speaking, be a person of such intellectual, emotional, mental and spiritual 'aptitude,' even when she's not an expert or scholar in any particular area, to handle your psyche, your personality, your self-image, and so on, with significant positive effect, in those vulnerable moments of yours. She must be made for you! your partner, your co-pilot, your fellow-sojourner, in handling life and whatever it brings your way, as you go through the intricacies of terrestrial existence! So, it's a full-time job, as it were, and also a 'specialised' job (without necessarily being a 'specialist') for her to be just the right type of partner for you, and, indeed, one that is lovingly and passionately devoted to her 'job' as your partner. She's the one that smoothens the contours of life's existence for you, and even sees it as a priviledge to so perform such a duty in your life, and not seeking for any 'payment' in cash or in kind! You say such a woman is impossible to find? Then you don't believe in miracles! She's the type God is talking about when the Good Book says, 'He that finds a wife finds a good thing and (has) obtained favour of the Lord.' So I know that such a person exists for you. But you have to 'find' her, as that scripture says. And, in order to 'find,' the Master says, you must first 'seek'! He that seeks, finds, isn't it? May we have the strength, courage, patience, skill and grace to seek and to seek well, so that we can find our proper marriage partners. It's not by might nor by power, but by my Spirit, says the Lord. So we must have the grace and Spirit to seek and find; and, more essentially, co-operate with that grace and Spirit to be able to truly seek and find. Don't neglect the most gentle nudgings of the Spirit. That little effort in co-operating with the nudgings of the Spirit, might just lead you into a situation where you will meet, find, 'toast' and 'land' that jewel of inestimable price - - your own virtuous woman for your own kind of person. A woman that would be a virtuous woman to a particular man, may not necessarily turn out to be a virtuous woman if she were to be married to another man. That's why you would find, sometimes, a certain woman being such a 'bad' wife to her husband, only for the marriage to hit the rocks and she later gets married to another man who would consider her as a jewel! It happens the other way round too.
My wife doesn't have to be willing to donate her kidney to me if I were to be in need of such; but she must be there for me, and with me, as I struggle through my 'final days' of a terminal disease - - if it had to be that way! I don't ask for your life, I only ask for your love, compassion and commitment, with attendant submission to my leadership and respect for my person.
I don't need you to be a specialist chef, I only need you, even if it is in giving me a 'burnt' offering three times a day, to do it with a loving compassion and commitment shining through your eyes as well as through every pore of your being, as you labour in the kitchen to serve me.
I don't need you to be an undisputable Miss World, were you to contest in that pageant; rather, I only need you to treat me in such a way that I actually believe you are Miss World. I don't need you to have a degree in sexology; or to be a high-profile porn star; I only need you to willingly, lovingly and totally give me that body of yours whenever, wherever and however I want it, responding positively to my instructions as I 'screw' the brains out of you, and, at the end of it all, and even while going through it, I want to see that look in your eyes that says, 'When again are we going to have it like this?' I want you to practically adore me and I will love you crazy!
A man has only one life to live; a good wife is probably the greatest thing that will ever happen to him.
Be my 'sexy Mama,' and I will be to you your Knight in Shining Armour! I may not be perfect, but I'll do my best. I don't require you to be perfect, either. I only require you to be submissive, loving, caring, committed and adoring. Adore me and I'll adore you; don't expect it the other way round. That other way is unBiblical.
Dress to 'kill' - - for me. Make me feel young, healthy and virile.
Don't freak yourself over my female friends; they will never take your place if you do what I expect and demand of you. I am a ladies man; they will always be there. I am even called to serve them in one way or another. But my wife? Nobody compares with her. I don't expect you to be without male friends, either; but under my supervision. That's why I'm the head. I don't believe in gender-equality when it comes to marriage. Somebody must be the head and call the shots! God says it's me. What if I go wrong? Leave me to my God. If you cannot trust me with my God, find someone else to be your husband.
In my vulnerable moments I need you to be there - - to love me, care for me, pamper me. Not to judge me. Not to castigate me. Not to make me feel rejected 'at home and abroad.' Not to throw me open to further attacks by the wild beasts. But to nurse my wounds and nurture me back to good health - - physical, psychological, emotional, spiritual; and thereafter urge me to go out there and fight again for what is mine. Not to mitigate me. Not to curtail me. Not to foist your own insecurities on me. But to remind me that I'm the 'striker' who must keep going forward to score goals, while you are the 'defender' who will back me up in case I'm beaten to it! That's marriage, my brother!
Who can be such a wife? What a question.
And, remember, every man is unique. So, the unique peculiarities of the man would (should) determine the kind of person he chooses as wife.
For me, for instance, my unique peculiarities are such that I don't want my wife to be proud towards my friends - - male or female. Be open to them; be accomodative; be friendly - - genuinely and not just 'formally.' Let them know they have access to me as my friends; and I will adore you the more for it.
Don't relate with me by Law. Relate with me by Love. Love speaks; Love breathes; Love embraces; Love accomodates; Love reproduces.
Be sensitive to my needs. Know when I need to be left alone. I am a writer. Let me have privacy for my writing. I am a preacher. Let me have privacy for my meditations. I am a thinker. Let me have privacy for my intellectual pursuits. I am a Lover. Let me have privacy for my friends. Let me have privacy with them also. I don't need or want a Local Government Supervisory Councillor over my life; I only need a loving wife who dots over me for my welfare and not for her insecurities. I don't need a Headmistress either; I only need a Woman in the Home - - one who makes everything and everyone bright and beautiful, and who brings her sunshine into the Home, and not gloom. I don't need a Fault-Finder. I only need a Lover.
I am a father. Let me have privacy with my children. I don't and wouldn't always need you around when I'm with them. Learn to know when it's just 'Daddy' and his children; as distinct from when it's "Daddy and Mummy" and the children. I will also respect your times of "Mummy" and the children, but not at my detriment. I remain the Head of not only the Home, but also of the House; every authority that you have is delegated authority and must not be abused. Manage my kitchen for me, but don't turn me into an outsider there. Be fun to be with, and not a drag, neither a drab person.
Respect my siblings; they have the right to come into my Home anytime; it's, in a way, their Home.
Know that my children are my heirs; being their mother does not transfer that right to you! (This is me, please, and not necessarily English Law!) Be secure in the Love that I have for you, that you will be well taken care of. You have to believe.
My parents are dead. But their memory you must always honour. My heritage you must always respect. My upbringing you must always defer to. My antecedents and pedigree you must love.
I will care for you as for an egg that must not be broken. Don't let it get into your head; let it humble you.
Handle my children with dignity, and be a mother of nations.
I dance. Try and enjoy my dancing with me.
Love to entertain guests, informally, impromptu, as well as in big and small parties.
I am romantic. Respond to me.
Place value on spirituality. I don't mean dogmatic religion. I don't mean man-made taboos, do's and don'ts that have no life in them. In knowing God, you don't have to be a Mother Theresa. I only need your simple, sincere and genuine love for God and for the things of God - - the God that I serve. If you would let my God be your God too, I will love you forever. If you would respect my God and respect my dealings with Him and his with me, then I am happy with you.
Be always ready for change. I change from time to time, because I believe revelation is progressive. As you accomodate my changes and 'changings,' I'm glad.
I am an aristocrat. That's who I am and who I will forever be. Don't bring me down to the low level. I love peasants, but I am not a peasant; I love the middle-class but I don't belong there. I was born noble; nobility is in my blood, carriage, mien and personality. I was trained to love all but never to abandon my position. You have to allign with that.
I am an apostle, by the grace of God. I blaze new trails. I tread where angels fear to tread. I walk in the midst of the valley of the shadow of death. I mingle with the supposedly unholy and unclean, the very 'dreg' of the society; it's my calling, just as much as I also walk among the nobility - - my people and my natural constituency. But my calling in God entails doing things that are un-common, un-religious (in fact, may be considered 'irreligious'); I am called to minister redemption not only to my class but also to the "Gentiles of the Gentiles" (those whom the 'Gentiles' consider as 'gentiles;' those whom the 'sinner' consider as 'sinner') and without necessarily changing them in their outward 'appearance' to become a Kumuyi or an Adeboye. You have to flow with that kind of calling. You have to be a wife to a man who is a 'lone voice in the wilderness,' seemingly teaching things that are 'contrary' to what mainstream christianity believes in several areas. You have to have what it takes to stand against the whole world, as it were, standing by your husband, regardless of whether you really understand him or not. You have to be wife to a man who obeys God implicitly, not minding what his wife's opinion might be. You have to come on with me.
You have to stand by me in my vulnerable moments without despising me. Come on!
You have to love me, cherish me, give me your sex, anytime and wherever and however I want it, just to please me and make me happy. Above all, I would adore, love and care for you beyond human imagination, as you submit to me. Come on!
Adore me, and I will love you crazy.
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